The pain of loss is gut-wrenching. At times it can feel as if our beating heart is shattering into pieces. It can even make us physically sick, like our body wants to rid itself of the sorrow roiling around within us. The tears can be nonstop, out of control, or intermittent, catching us in moments of piercing sorrow. And we wonder … will there ever be a time when they won’t flow at the slightest thing. Death makes us question things, like life and the point of it. I mean, what in the heck IS the point of this world? Is life just a series of illness, drama, disappointments and loss?

I haven’t been on this blog of mine, or doing anything with it for, geez, years. YEARS! Because, well … because LIFE keeps getting in the way! As it is, I am writing this post because of the tragedies I’ve gone through over the past couple years. First, I lost my sister, who was five years younger than me. It was very unexpected, and it still feels surreal at times, then I got sick with a lung infection AFTER having a bad bout with Covid, a short reprieve and then my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and before her chemo treatments started, my dad fell ill. He was in the hospital a week (and our hopes on his recovery were up and down) and then he crossed into spirit. Not long after that, my dear cousin lost her teenage grandson in an accident. Shortly after that, my sweet dog, my constant little companion, my dear, beloved Danny got sick and died, though we tried very hard to save him.

We (my family and friends) constantly asked for prayers during each of the above situations. Pray for us as we grieve over my sister, pray for me to get better, pray for my dad to recover, pray for my mom to beat the cancer plaguing her body, pray for my cousin and her family as they grieve their loss, pray for Danny to get well.

Pray, pray pray and what were the end results? We still grieve the loss of my sister, I did get well (thank you, God!), my dad did not and so we are grieving his loss as well, my mom beat her cancer (thank you again, God) but Danny succumbed to his illness, and my dear cousin is still reeling with pain over the loss of her grandson, and her daughter, the mother of her grandson, is absolutely devastated.

So does prayer work then? I mean, I got better and my mom beat her cancer, but my sister, my dad, my cousin’s grandson and my dog are gone. Death happens. Despite everything, even fervent prayers. It’s the absolute WORST part of life (for those of us being “left behind” anyway). Those moving on into the “afterlife” are fine, truly, they are doing GREAT. I know this to be true. I don’t THINK it, I don’t BEALIEVE it, I KNOW it. Even so, I grieve.

It’s hard knowing what to say to someone who is grieving. Even as I go through it myself, I am thinking, what can be said to me that will help ease my pain? Honest answer: Nothing. Sadly. Although I am not comforted by the platitudes of sympathy, the care and concern from others is deeply appreciated. It does help knowing there are people “out there” who care about what I am going through, who are sad for me and concerned about the emotional pain I am going through.

When someone I know suffers a loss, though I know it doesn’t exactly ease their pain, I still feel compelled to remind (assure) them that the loved one they are grieving over is in a good place. I mean, it’s true, they are! But I also know that doesn’t do a darn thing to help us stop missing them. We can picture them happy and doing great “over there” but our poor heart keeps right on hurting.

Fact is, and there’s no getting around it, grief is a process we must go through, and for each of us the process is different. In my first book, “Be Still, My Love“, my main character, Tess, was grieving the loss of her husband and dog. The story started with the event that took them from her then skipped ahead two years. I actually had people either write to me or leave a review, criticizing my character for grieving her losses for so long! Even my editor (back then, we have since parted ways), was like … it’s been two years, do you really think she’d still be that upset? I mean, she should be over it by now. Well she wasn’t and I didn’t feel I needed to defend her (Tess’s) position. She was sad, not just because she lost her husband and dog, but for other reasons as well (and that’s another thing to remember, we don’t know what ELSE is going on with those who are grieving!). Poor Tess just didn’t know how to move on from it. I was hoping, when I started the story, that she would eventually get through her grief and go on to live a happy life. And she did! I like happy endings. Life is sad enough, I don’t need to make it sadder by giving my stories a tragic ending. That’s my opinion anyway. I know it works for others to do the opposite. Good for them. MY stories will, hopefully, not leave people sad. That’s not to say I don’t have characters die (because that’s life, people live and they die), but I try to end things on a good note.

When we lose someone, or a pet, that was a prominent part of our daily life, they leave a gaping hole in our lives, our hearts, and suddenly we are floundering in a world that no longer feels whole. WE don’t feel whole. How do we go on when we have this gaping, empty hole that was once filled with something that was essential to our happiness? What are we supposed to do now that we no longer have that person or animal in our lives? It doesn’t help that our minds often stay focused on what we are missing. Though there are many others in our lives that we love and consider essential, we find it hard to stop thinking about the person (or pet) who is no longer with us. As time goes on, we find ourselves missing them more and more. Their absence becomes more prominent. Sometimes we miss that person (or pet) so much that we find it hard to focus on anything else. First off, don’t berate yourself for doing this. It’s only natural to focus on something we WANT (with all our heart) but can no longer have.

The only thing we can do is figure out a way to deal with that hole, that emptiness. We can’t replace our loved one with someone else, but we CAN find someone else to focus on to help us through the grief. For me, when I lost my dad, I put my focus on my mom. I still grieve his loss but by keeping my focus on her it helps me deal with how much I miss him. It keeps my focus off that “hole”. As for my grief over Danny, I focus on my other dog Isabelle (his sister) and we got another puppy, Louie, to shower our love upon. It doesn’t stop the grief, I still cry for him, but it HELPS me go on. When I have a little breakdown, I allow a few tears and then I place my focus on something else … like Isabelle, or Louie, or calling my mom. When I am missing my sister (which is all the time but sometimes it’s stronger than other times), I call someone to talk to. It helps ease the grief. And as for that, the person I call does not need to give me a solution to the grief or utter things to make me feel better. I am just looking for someone to listen to me for a while, because it helps to talk about what we are going through, and it helps to talk about the person, or pet, we miss. So if you get that kind of call, don’t worry about trying to say the right thing or think it’s on you to make them feel better. Just let them talk, be the ear they need, and that’s all you have to do.

One thing we need to accept is the fact that we will forever miss the loved one we lost. Forever. But slowly, over a period of time, which differs for each of us, the pain eases enough that we aren’t debilitated by it. We do eventually find it possible to put our attention on something besides the one we can no longer see. We NEED to be distracted from focusing on that empty space. We need to find something ELSE to think about besides the person who left that space empty. Whatever it takes, be it a hobby, a special interest, a job, a trip, a new love, another animal, a shopping spree (be careful not to overspend), a book, a movie, a walk, a visit with someone else that you love …. whatever it is that works (just please don’t let it be drugs or alcohol! That solves NOTHING. In fact, I found that alcohol only intensifies emotional pain). Essentially, we need a distraction from the focus of that hole, that gaping emptiness. We need a distraction from the emotions flooding us when we are missing someone we can never see again.

Before our loss, there were other things in our life that gave us joy … determine what those things are and FOCUS on those. If you need something new to distract you, then go find it! You are NOT replacing your loved one, you are not betraying them by finding something else to think about, you are not upsetting them if you find some happiness … you are NOT. In EVERY instance of contact with loved ones in spirit (such as with a medium or psychic) the loved one WANTS you to move on and be happy! THEY are not grieving. They are happy. After all, they have an unfair advantage, they can still be with us and know that they are with us. We, however, aren’t so fortunate to know when they are around, unless they somehow get through and we feel their comforting presence. Grief, however, places such a fog of sorrow around us that it’s very hard for them to get through and give us the sign we so desperately want.

There was a point after Danny died that I was laughing at something Isabelle was doing and for a brief moment I felt guilty for laughing. The thought went through my mind, how can I laugh when I miss my Danny so much? And I had to tell myself that it was okay to find some joy with his sister, because it IS. It IS OKAY. I love her and am glad to have her and why shouldn’t I be happy with her?

I remember going to my first funeral, many, many years ago. It was my paternal grandfather’s funeral. I was sad that he was gone and wasn’t sure how to feel about being in the same room with him (at his wake), but I went anyway, despite my reservations. I remember walking into the room, which was quite packed, and selected a chair at the back, as far away as I could go from his open casket. As I sat there feeling sad, I heard others talking and LAUGHING! I remember feeling infuriated by it. How could they LAUGH when my grandfather, THEIR LOVED ONE, was lying dead a few feet away? I just didn’t understand it. But you know what? Grampy’s spirit was probably hanging with them and enjoying their stories and their laughter. HE was doing great in spirit and no doubt loving the fact that others were finding some joy from memories of him. I totally get it now. It wasn’t until a long time later that I could think of good memories about him and feel good about it.

What I have found to be a problem I can’t seem to get through is my writing. It has suffered quite a bit in the past couple years. The things going on in the world, which is strife with turbulence and unrest, the loss of loved ones, sickness and the pandemic has all taken a toll on my creativity. I am trying to get it back. And so I sat down to write this post, to explain what’s been going on, what’s been keeping me silent for so long on my blog and on my writing. And I wanted to share my thoughts on grief and death. Both are a part of our life whether we like it or not. We are all headed towards the same fate and most of us don’t focus on that … the end game. We focus on the here and now, which is what we should be doing. So that’s what I am going to try to do and get another story done. My gosh, my poor character has been pregnant now for two years or more! Her story needs to be told, at least one more time, so we can celebrate the birth of her child. But, as is usual with the Tess Schafer-Medium series, she has to deal with death in some way before her story finds a happy ending.

I hope this post finds you all well and if you, too, are grieving, I send blessings of comfort to you. Feel free to share what is going on with you and how you deal with loss. We are all in this world together and us coming here, on this blog, is not an accident. Everything that happens to us is by divine design.

Blessings to you all. May your lives move onward, upward and ever forward.